Your Healthy Dose of
Laughsative
Black holes were
created when G-d divided Himself by 0.
"If you want to
make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." n
Carl Sagan
Color... it's just
a pigment of your imagination.
Quantum Mechanics:
The dreams stuff is made of.
Nature abhors a
vacuum. So does my sister's dog.
I like angles, but
only to a degree.
"That's the whole
problem with science:
You've got a bunch
of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder." n
Calvin (& Hobbes)
Black holes suck.
The most important
part of a microbiologist's job is not letting the little things get to
him.
"As far as the
laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain. And as far
as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." n
Albert Einstein
Scientists have
shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance
from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85
million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about
35 feet from the earth's surface! This would explain the death of the
dinosaurs... the tallest ones, anyway.
If heat rises, why
are mountains so fr*ggin' cold?
To most people
solutions mean finding the answers but to chemists solutions are things
that are still all mixed up....
All that glitters
has a high refractive index.
The most exciting
phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not
"Eureka!" but "That's funny...."' n
Isaac Asimov
Photons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
If you're not part
of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A mathematician is
a machine for converting coffee into theory.
Particle
physicists are always trying to hold a meeting, but whenever they decide
on a place, the time changes.
Actually officer,
if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.
On the seventh
day, G-d created the platypus. And G-d said: let's see the evolutionists
try and figure this one out.
A red sign on the
door of a physics professor: 'If this sign is blue, you're going too
fast.'
Entropy - it's a
tough job, but somebody's got to undo it.
It might look like
I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
If everything
comes your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ten Guidelines to Enlightenment
By Swami Beyondananda
1. Be a FUNdamentalist. Ensure that the FUN always comes before the
MENTAL. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be
cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the reason we are put in
the material world is to get more material from that track. Have a good
laughsative twice a day, which will ensure regularity.
2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for
entering, so you are already a winner!
3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That's
where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if
we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel.
4. Life is like photography -- you use the negative to develop. No
matter what adversity you face, be reassured: of course God loves you.
. .
5. It is true: as we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought
particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition
called "truth decay." Be sure to use mental floss twice a day, and when
you're tempted to practice 'tantrum yoga', remember what we teach in the
Swami's Absurdiveness Training Class: don't get EVEN, get ODD.
6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly
live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you and you no mad at me.
That way there will surely be nomadness on the planet. Peace begins
with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there. Pretty
soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.
7. I know, great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so
if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple: when you
find a fault, don't dwell on it.
8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet
train the world and we'll never have to change it again.
9. If you're looking for the key to the Universe, I've got some good
news, and some bad news. The bad news: there is no key to the
Universe. The good news: it was never locked.
10. Finally, everything I've told you is 'channeled'. That way, if you
don't like it, it's not my fault. But, remember: enlightenment is not
a bureaucracy, so you don't have to go through channels.
Copyright 2001, by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.
To find out about the Swami's schedule on the "outernet," hire him for a
performance, or buy his books or tapes, visit Swami's website at
http://www.wakeuplaughing.com/
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